Incidents at the Weasley Residence
by erialarrowman
Summary: Strange and hilarious antics at the Weasley household make life a magical Twilight Zone


A bright and cheery Sunday morning in mid-July found Ronald Weasley, youngest son of 7 children, snoring in a puddle of cold spit that had collected around his head and drenched his pillow. The bit of sunlight that filtered through his grimy, filthy windows glinted off of his fiery red hair, illuminating his freckles and contrasting strangely with his pale skin. He wore an expression of blissful peace and serenity that any good-hearted witch or wizard would have been ashamed to disturb.  
  
Unfortunately, his twin brothers Fred and George had failed to recieve this memo. For months, the mischievous two had been developing several brand new hilarious, if somewhat dangerous, articles of amusement. Now, they had but only to find a few "guinea pigs" to give their creations a test run. And, tragically, Ron was to be their first unwitting subject.  
  
Silently, Fred entered his younger brother's room, careful not to disturb the ghoul in the pipes. The dust danced in the dimly lit air, giving the scene an almost dreamlike quality. Moments later, Fred stood directly over Ron. He bent over slightly and placed something gently, almost lovingly, in his brother's left nostril, then hastily left the room before Ron awoke.  
  
Ron stumbled down the stairs into the kitchen, groggily rubbing sleep from his eyes. He was ravenous and didn't notice the wide-eyed stares he received as he stuck his hand into the basket of biscuits sitting on the checkered cloth of the kitchen table.  
  
Mrs.Weasley stood, frozen in shock. "Ronnie, dear? What on EARTH do you have hanging from your NOSE?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Your nose, dear. There's something in your nose."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Oh for bloody Merlin's sake! Get over here, boy, and I'll show you!"  
  
"Huh?... Akpthh! Mum! Ackkooof! Get yer*snort*cough* fingers out of me nose! Aahh! Help!"  
  
A minute later, a flushed but triumphant Mrs.Weasley held the object which she had extracted from Ron's nostril high for all to see. And promptly dropped it in disgust. Ron, still, dazed and confused, registered what it was as it landed on the floor by his head.  
  
"What the..." Suddenly, he was distracted by another one of a different color emerging slowly from his left nostril.  
  
"Aaargh! There are condoms growing from my nose!"  
  
Ron began screaming hysterically and running in circles as Mrs.Weasly attempted to calm him down, while simultaneously trying to extract the next one from his nose. The rest of the family sat on the floor, tears of laughter streaming down their faces. Fred and George chose this time to sneak upstairs.  
  
Before they made it past the second step, Mrs.Weasley, her voice shrill and trembling with rage, shrieked, "Fred and George Weasley! You come down here this INSTANT!"  
  
They turned sheepishly around and stood before her, in all of her motherly glory. She held a bright red rubber in one hand as Ron, curled up in the fetal position, rocked, whimpering, on the floor.  
  
"Just WHAT, might I ask, is the MEANING of THIS!" Each time her voice rose, Mrs.Weasley shook the condom at the trembling pair.  
  
"Well, er, um, you see, mum... we ah, were developing this new, uh, thing, to... yeah."  
  
"And-and we wanted to make sure it worked!" George piped up brightly.  
  
"So we ah... yeah." Fred continued.  
  
"And Ron was the only one who didn't run away." George finished for them.  
  
"I see-ee." Mrs.Weasley's eyes narrowed dangerously. The ominous silence was interrupted by Ron, who whimpered once. He received a sharp, swift kick from his mother and became silent. Suddenly, she erupted.  
  
"OUT! OUT! OUTOUTOUTOUTOUT! Never shall you darken my doorway with your foul pranks and tasteless, puerile humor again! As they hurried out the door, Mrs.Weasley began conjuring rotten vegetables and other nasty things to throw at them.  
  
George and Fred thought it best just to comply. This was the 2nd time in a month they had been ejected from the house. The last time, it had been because of the nasty boils that had erupted on their father's tongue right before his presentation for the Minister of Magic and a representative from Libya's Magic Control Committee. The atmosphere had not been a pleasant one that night.  
  
Mr.Weasley was trying frantically to reverse the jinx on Ron's nostrils and Ginny Weasley was lying under the table, snorting with uncontrollable laughter. Finally, Ron's whimpering became unbearable and a frustrated Mr.Weasley yelled, "Stupefy."  
  
Ron slumped to the floor in a saggy heap.  
  
After he had managed to still the flow of gaily colored contraceptive devices, Mr.Weasley ennervated his son, then quickly rushed off to make sure his wife had not done any lasting damage to the twin troublemakers.  
  
Ron got to his feet shakily and looked down at his long-forgotten biscuit, now lying cold on the kitchen floor. He picked it up slowly, brushed it off, and took a bite. Breathing in deeply through his nose, he suddenly dropped his biscuit to the floor again.  
  
"Snort *snarf* akpthh!"  
  
Oooh. That's not pretty. 


End file.
